Leaders Information
If you are wanting to start your own singles event/gathering in your city, similar to Night on the Town, see below for some helpful ideas.
Structure How we do what we do?
While Central Singles Ministry's offers lots of social based events, a large part of what we do is leadership development. So many singles ministries fail due to lack of recruiting and growing leaders. Without leaders, the ministries become a one or two person led group that often leads to burn-out. While there is no guarantee, even with the best leaders your ministry will succeed, we know for sure it will fail without them. Why build leaders? Not only do we as a ministry, as individuals get stronger but we are building leaders that often start leading in their churches (or start their own singles ministries). It's a part of the great commission of discipling others. [Matthew 28:18-19 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”] What is your process of finding leaders? Because lives change, and people come and go for a variety of reasons, we try and look for 4 leaders for every one position. I have a main host, 2 back up hosts that regularly attend our gatherings and an emergency host. I believe leaders are called to lead. We prefer our leaders start with being a volunteer who consistently comes to our events, has a great attitude and a servant heart. It's important to train your host before putting them in charge of an event. I usually do a 6 month training period, making sure they show up and on time. First Month: They are given a copy of Safe People by Cloud and Townsend to read. A great resource to help in learning about people. Then I sit and watch them create conversations, taking notes so that I can give them some feedback. Second/Third Month: I take them out to eat and explain our event concept. We go over the 30 conversations to ask a total stranger plus go over the book Safe People. I encourage them to ask questions, talk about any issues or concerns. I want to make sure they know what I am expecting from them. Fourth Month: Reference form is signed by a ministry leader. When recruiting leadership outside your church you need a reference form signed by their pastor or priest. It is like they are going into the mission field. A reference will screen out the trouble makers and those who give a false witness on who they are. This is an excellent tool to always have. You are practicing starting conversation. Fifth and Sixth Months: You are paired up with a leader to help you understand how an event is run. If by the Seventh month the leadership trainee has not read the book Safe People and has not got the reference form signed, there position will be open for others to fill. What does running a typical event cost such as Night on the Town? Where do the funds come from? Total direct expenses on an annual basis are less than $210 per year. The average cost of an event is $3.80 per event. Are there any rules or guidelines you enforce? Yes, due to our desire to keep it safe, Christ focused and respectful of those attending we ask that you:
We are very protective of our events and those attending. At every event we post a sign with our 3 Rules plus when people fill out the sign up sheet , we list the 3 Rules. Rules (guidelines) help people form boundaries. They communicate what your ministry is about and where they are allowed to go. Now some people will not like the rules but often they are ones that don't want to help with your ministry, the ones that can cause conflict or are there for the wrong reasons. For others, the rules give them peace and assurance of safety. Some of your events seem to stay under 25 people attending, why is that? Don't you want to grow? First, we have grown over the years but in different ways. Some events such a going to a ball game, a hike, or supporting events of churches where there is a huge space, we encourage larger numbers. However, for our restaurant locations, we prefer to keep our groups smaller so that there is more intimacy, better control of who is coming in and out, easier observance of our host and volunteers, etc. We can always start a 2nd or 3rd location. We have also found that a lot of the restaurants we work with prefer that our groups stay smaller so they can turn tables over quicker in the rest of the restaurant. So do you have any suggestions on how to start an event under my churches leadership? What about outside my churches leadership? UNDER CHURCH LEADERSHIP 1. First, set up an appointment with your pastor/church leadership. Be prepared ahead of time with the who, what, when, where and why. The more information you have to give your pastor/ leader, the more likely you will be taken seriously as well as get what you are asking. We also encourage that you bring others leaders who are on your team. A team that you have been meeting and praying with in regards to what you are wanting to do. 2. When you do get your appointment, have a list of things you want to share/discuss so that you stay on point. Here are some sample questions: a. What are the priorities of our church? Are you focused more on families, elderly, missions, marrieds, kids, etc. Note: Most churches are focused on traditional families. Remind them that over half of our country is not not married. Ask them if they agree with the need to reach all for Christ and do they want to be a multi-generational church? b. Do they presently or have in the past had a ministry to single adults? Ask them to share. If there is something that exist, then get the contact information and join them. If there use to be something, ask if they have the contact info of the past leader. This may help you in your own ministry and/or outreach event success. c. Would you be open to supporting an outreach event, such as Night on the Town for our church? Then make sure they have access to the website and/or my name and number (Charles Kile, 919.413.3868). Be sure to have some information on what it would be. For example, a local restaurant, time, and any other details. Note: You would have already talked with a local restaurant and gotten permission to meet there. d. If you are in support, would you be able to help us with promotion? Note: Clarify what this would look like. Is it funds to advertise, list on the churches website, flyers put up on the walls at the church, meet with you monthly for prayer and guidance, etc. You may also ask for an elder/deacon or other leader to be over your ministry..someone you would report too. e. Ask them for a list of all the singles (not marrieds) in the church including any information about them such if they were married, their age, male/female, email address. Find someone in your church that has been there a while and can help you qualify the list. As with most churches, folks rarely get removed. This will be a list that you can call/email about your event. f. Set up your first event, ask your pastor/leader to attend then follow-up after the event to let your church know what happened. Remember to take lots of photo's so your church can see the results. Note: You don't have to set up a Night on the Town. Any outreach event can be a done. From helping an elderly member with their yard or cleaning their home to feeding the homeless to putting together shoeboxes at Christmas or even a hike/walk. f. Other questions: Find out your churches alcohol policy as it will affect what attendees at your events. OUTSIDE THE CHURCH Without a pastor/leader over you, you are really able to do what you want and how you want. Just like with the items above, meeting with other leaders to pray and decide the direction you want to go is valuable. This team will be the leaders that will lead your event. An event that could become a ministry. So picking and choosing the right leaders to start, will affect your future. Things such as budget, advertisement, what you believe or not believe doctrinally, alcohol policy, kids coming, etc. are also things you need to make decisions about. Note: You might start out your event outside your churches leadership for a variety of reasons. But depending on how much you grow, the lives that change, etc. could get the attention of your church and eventually be brought under them. Being under a church can often provide support you are not able to get outside the church. A great resource I recommend is www.TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries. The largest resource for starting and growing your singles ministry. As with all questions concerning talking to your pastor who are not in agreement or if you feel your churches doesn't have enough singles to start a ministry, contact Charles Kile, [email protected] or 919.413.3868. Upon approaching a local restaurant such as Starbucks or Panera, any suggestions? First go to the restaurant at the same time and day of the event. Is it less than half full, this is a good location? Self serve is the best choice since members are coming through-out the night. Always ask the management permission before starting an event. Try to keep your eating events in the same restaurant chain, using a reference from another store management in the same company goes a long way. Have you ever had any issues or problems come up? If so, how did you deal with them? Predators in my ministry: Predators either act alone or in teams. First I contact everyone after each Night on the Town to check and see if there is any problems. A seasoned predator knows most victims will not tell any body, they just leave usually in 3 months but will often come back the next year for 3 months. When the predators realized I contact everyone after each event, they will often complain to the church for me to stop making these calls. I don't stop until they stop. Some predators come in teams with one being great at starting conversations. They would then invites their friends into the conversation. After the event was over they would ask the women out to eat somewhere usually around midnight. Because we saw this as a problem, we came up with a late night event at Applebee's. Predators like round tables. It is actually very easy to isolate a victim sitting at a round table as compared to a long table where a host can keep an eye on everyone. Predators will tell you the main leader I was not there and they did not know the rules. At every event (even those nights with multiple locations), we ask everyone to sign in and check they know the 3 rules. I have had angry people leave my 2nd event of the night because they signed-in with the 1st event. Difficult people: Every ministry has difficult people. Some are always late, some share ideas that we don't do, some are control freaks, some come and complain the whole time, some talk too much, etc. While in some situations, people are just hurting and need community, some are difficult due to safety issues (like with predators), some difficult due to personality differences, others its good ole fashion sin. They are simply about themselves. This can make your event quickly become about them and not the Lord, not the other singles and not in building community. While you can't fix it all, you can deal directly with sin. Matthew 18:15-17 gives us direction on how to deal with conflict. Also, giving them guidelines on how you run your event/ministry with a place for them to sign that they are in agreement can also help. When using Matthew 18:15-17 there are two different methods. If I know the full name and city, before I meet with them I check the Sex Offender Registry, then I contact the local sheriff to see if the person has any problems. You need to know who you are talking to before meeting with them. All Register Sex Offenders are not allowed at any event, this is our BC rule. Second method I only know them through meetup.com. I request to meet them in person. If they refuse, then I remove them from the group. If they are using my Christian meetup group as a dating site, sending a person unwanted pictures or harassing an individual, meetup.com will remove them from the network. The majority waits for the majority to come before the majority comes: Everybody waits till it is successful before they come. Small events look successful because to be successful all you need is 8 to 12 people. An eating event and a bible study in a coffee shop can be every successful, look at quality of the event versus focusing on the numbers. You allow children to come, has that ever been a problem? The question is who needs your ministry. Single parents who bring their children and are responsible for their children behavior are great to have. I have gotten on the floor and played with a 3 year old. I had a 10 year old slide down a banister rail at a major restaurant on Thanksgiving eve, I tried to explain to the management but the manager said it happens all the time. I have problems with some teenagers but it also gives my ministry a chance to properly instruct teenagers on proper behavior. Do you allow separated people? Allowing separated people in my ministry was an accident. But it was a good accident. We have a rule of no asking out for dates at the events because we were preventing people who were couples from having some one asking their girlfriend out at the event. The dating couples never came but due to the no asking out for dates rule at the event it meant that separated and married people could attend. Do you allow dating couples? We encourage all single adults to attend, even those dating or getting married. We have a rule of no asking out for dates at the events because we were preventing people who are couples from having some one ask their girlfriend out at the event. We are the only singles event in our county that protects a dating relationship in their rules. |
Questions to ask/conversation starters at your event!As a singles leader you are going to have attenders who have trouble communicating and turning away your visitors. They simply need to know how to begin a conversation. These are simple conversations to help you teach other people.
1. How did they find out about your event? 2. Have they signed-in and fill out the information? 3. Are their rules in your ministry that a new person needs to know ? I would have the rules on your registration form and a block to check that they know the rules. 4. Ask them about their church? (Do not ask them if they are a Christian.) We had a person in my first singles ministry ask new people "are you washed in the blood of the lamb?" New people left and told other people to be in our ministry they needed to be washed in lamb blood. 80 % of people if asked will attend a church. You need to seeker friendly when talking to new people. a. Where do they go to church? Note: Often we have find people who attend our events and have either stopped going to their church for a variety of reasons or not attending a church at all. After attending our events, they start going back to their church and even get involved in ministry. When this happens, keep track of them as they could end up being someone you would want on your volunteer team. b. How are they involved? Are they serving? c. Why did they start going there? d. Do they have single activities or ministry? If so, who is in charge? 5. Ask if this is there 1st time or how long they have been attending? 6. Are you originally from this area? If no, how long have you lived here? Where were you raised here? 7. Work: Ask what their occupation is, an unemployed person can have an occupation. With a question based on occupation, a person can give you a general answer without giving you any job related details. Don't ever ask someone what they do for a living as not everyone has a job, likes their job or feels it represents them. If they like what they do, they will tell you. You can then talk about their job. Some questions could be... Are there are any job openings? What type of training or education do you need for your job which could lead you into question number 8? What are you job duties? What do you like most about what you do and least? What led you to do work in this area? 8. If you find out they are unemployed: You can ask what job they are looking for? On salary requirement you to ask them first whether they want the ministry to help find a position, we need to know your salary requirement and what is your lowest salary to cover your needs. Do you need to work close by because you use public transportation or can you commute? This gives the ministry some idea to where to help them. Share with them any career connections at your church. You can even offer some personal connections and prayer. You could also offer to pay for their coffee at an event. If they need money now, your ministry needs to research a day labor company that pays at the end of the day. 9. Education: Where did you go to High school and did you like it? What types of things where you involved in? Sports, clubs, church/youth group, etc. You can also ask them about other education but again, those who didn't go to college or graduated, might be uncomfortable. Most people will offer this information when they are sharing about where they grew up or what they did after High school, or how they moved to your area. 10. Women: a. When talking to women* pause when asking a question, allowing the females time to speak. b. Compliments: Do not say you are beautiful when you meet for the first time as this is a turn off. If you want to compliment a woman, make comments about her intelligence such as occupation or hobbies. c. When talking to women about female leaders in business or politics you can ask their opinion about issues or political causes that these female leaders have? Do not talk about whether the female leader is overweight, her dress or hair style in a negative fashion; this is a major turn off. d. Women are generally sensitive about where they live? You can ask city location like Cary or Durham but not a street address. e. 80% of women do not like public speaking so don't put them on the spot in front of others. You can ask a group of people to tell something about themselves like their favorite vacation spot or time of year or how did you heard about tonight. f. If a woman is talking about her job and trying to move up the corporate ladder, you can ask these questions. Do you keep a file of positive emails you receive about your job performance or letters from customers that you could take into an interview? Have you ever thought about going to the women's ministry in your church and asking are there any corporate female executives attending that I could ask how they moved up the corporate ladder? Have you ever asked a female executive in your company to mentor you? *(Info from Savvy Women Conference Raleigh Chamber of Commerce 2009 & Women Executive Lunch Raleigh Chamber of Commerce 2015) 11. Are you a member of a club, meet-up group, community ministry or community service organization? Tell me about it? What do you do for them? What do you like or not like about it? What projects are you involved with annually? 12. Do you have any hobbies? a. How did you get started? b. What do you like about the hobby? c. What is the history of the hobby? d. Do you make anything? 12. Where is your favorite place to vacation? Or where did you go on vacation this year? 13. What is your favorite holiday and why? 14. What is your favorite time of year and why? 15. Do you have any siblings? 16. Do you have any kids? If so, how old? (This is another one of those sensitive questions that may come up naturally. People who love their kids talk about them. If they do, this allows you to ask questions that are not too personal--especially if you are the different sex.) For example, where do your kids go to school? What are some things you love about your kids? What are some things that drive you crazy? 17. Where do you like to shop? This could be a same gender question. 18. What is your favorite restaurant and why? 19. What is something you like to do for fun? Tell them we plan events based on what the ministry wants to do. This could be a same gender question. Remember, you do not want to look like your trying to ask for a date. 20. What is the latest movie you've seen? If you are a movie goer, this is a great question. 21. What kind of music do you like to listen too? 22. Do you like sports? Are you involved in a sport? Do you prefer to actual games in the stands or on television? How did you get involved with that particular sport? 23. What's your favorite TV show? If you watch TV, this is a great question 24. What is your favorite kinds of food? 25. What are some places you have traveled too or want too? 26. Ask non-residents of the US about their country of origin not their government process they are in. Be careful in the use of nationality due to ethnic divisions across borders and people wanting to become American citizens. You are trying to make people comfortable in a group. Ask about their family history in relation to their country. 27. Do you like to play board games? What is your favorite? 28. Do you have set plans each year for Thanksgiving and Christmas? Then share what you are doing and/or your ministry. 29. Do you like to do service projects? 30. LEADERSHIP/VOLUNTEERS/HOST 1. Do you have any past leadership experience in church/ministry groups? Note: This doesn't mean you put them in leadership right away, it just means you are gathering information, watching them and setting up a meeting in the future to talk about leading/host an event. 2. Could you help us promote our event on social media and word of mouth? Would you pass out some fliers? Do you know any free places to advertise? Be careful in asking about promoting an outside ministry in another church. Promotions of outside ministries in some churches require a formal process of approval. |
Questions? Contact Charles Kile, [email protected] or 919.413.3868.